How I became happy again away from my country and stopped grieving my old life
Believe it or not, moving away and starting a new life is not as great as it is cracked up to be. So many people, even hollywood movies, make it seem so easy and fun. A change of scenery, a fresh start, seems so appealing. Yet, once you do it, you discover it might suck. How can that be?
I experienced this myself. I met a guy, fell in love, and left my country to move over 3000 miles away. And I must say, I didn't think this through, lol. I was so excited! Plus I was 35 years old, feeling it was my last chance to form a family. The appeal of entering a different culture that I always admired from afar, also seemed fun. But it turns out, it threw me into severe grieving.
Grieving? You must be thinking: WTF?! But yes, it was true. After I ended up in therapy, due to the culture shock, homesickness and loneliness I was experiencing, I discovered there is such a thing as grieving your old life. Maybe that's because my old life was pretty great. Maybe it's because everything I was used to, people and places, even the weather, were gone. My old life was dead. Add to that, the death of my singlehood, and voilá, it was a recipe for intense homesickness and grieving. My therapist told me this, and I reluctantly realized she was right. All the aggravating factors were present... it was just too many changes, too fast. The homesickness hit me like a semi that I didn't see coming. I wasn't even aware of how much I would miss my old life, my hometown, my friends, even my family. At the "ripe" age of 35, I was a very independent and happy woman, so I never imagined it would be this hard.
So, if you're experiencing this, and scouring the internet to find answers like I did at first, I want to help, by sharing my experience of how I overcame homesickness finally. The only bad news is, that yes, it takes time, but I hope the following Tips for Overcoming Homesickness provide the necessary relief I found also:
Tip #1 - Stay in touch, but take breaks
Our newer generations are very lucky, because we are able to stay in touch through technology. When my mother moved to England with us as children, she only had snail mail to communicate with her family and friends. She would hear from them once a month at most, and sometimes do phone calls but they were so expensive I rarely remember her calling. Now we have Facetime, Facebook, Skype, Whatsapp... so many options. Take advantage of them. And don't let anybody shame you for using them or calling every day. Sadly I was shamed for my use of social media to stay in touch, but I ignored the comments and staying in touch still keeps me afloat and most of all keeps my relationships from afar alive. The smiles and support you get from your far away support circle are worth it. However, learn to take breaks too. Sometimes, those people you miss are not aware that their photos at the beach or the images of their delicious dishes from your country make you feel sad or bad. When that happened to me, I took a break, and did something else. Don't be angry at them. They truly don't know those images hurt sometimes. If they overdo it, maybe comment softly that you miss that stuff too much so please don't share. I personally never had to say this, by the way. Also, it is important to take breaks so that you're not isolating yourself from your new life.
Tip #2 - Explore, don't isolate
Moving from a very large city to a small town made me isolate at first. I felt I had visited everything there was to visit in this small town of South Dakota. I would sit in my car, super bored, wondering where to do or what to do. Or if you're from a small town and have moved to a big city, maybe you isolate because you're afraid of going out and getting lost; or maybe you're just simply overwhelmed. In both cases, I suggest you still explore. Go out and grab a coffee and read a book. Get a gym membership and you'll meet new people. Check the local newspaper or magazine for activities you might be interested in. But what I found that really helps to overcome homesickness, is the following tip:
Tip #3 - Mimic your old routine
Remember what your old life at home was like. What did you do every day? Is there a way you can build your current routine similarly in your new location? I discovered by accident that this made me feel really good, and helped me adapt to my new environment, to the point of overcoming homesickness almost completely. The reason this works is because you set ROOTS. Mimicking your routine makes you become grounded; it helps you settle down and get comfortable again. In my particular case, I used to wake up, work, go to the gym, meet people there (friends and family), go home, watch tv or read, and rinse and repeat. Sounds boring but I was happy with that routine in my country. And even though the "meet friends and family" part was missing in my new routine, I still got to meet new people and socialize, which help me get out of my homesickness "bubble". It made me feel part of a community again.
Tip #4 - Find self care methods
All of us have ways in which we self soothe. Even if this concept is new to you, and you're not sure how you do "self care", think about what things or activities help you relax or feel better in times of stress or depression. Make sure those coping mechanisms are healthy though... drinking, smoking and other addictions are NOT a good way to cope and will only make you feel worse. At first, I would party a lot and bar hop to feel part of the society, and I thought I was making so many friends. But I soon discovered those weren't my friends at all, and I felt lonelier than ever. Once I became a mum, this was even more evident, since I couldn't party or drink anymore, nor did I want to. The good thing, is that I've always been good about self care and soothing. For me, it is watching movies, reading, taking a long steam bath, running, and enjoying the sun outside. Find your healthy self care solutions.
Tip #5 - Surrender
Sometimes, one has to surrender and realize one of the following: You must reach out for help, or just go back home. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help and tell others how you feel. Also, don't be afraid to say "I can't do this" and go back home. What is holding you back? Are you afraid you'll be criticized for giving up and going back home? Does that make you a "loser"? NOT AT ALL. If there is nothing major holding you back, it is COMPLETELY OK to just go back home. I read so many homesick women from Mexico in a facebook group saying how unhappy they were in their new location, yet there was nothing holding them there. They could easily quit their job, leave their boyfriend who wasn't helping (and even if you're married, if you have no children and realize you'll never be happy in that place, it's ok to run). Hey, but don't just quit without giving it a shot... but if a year goes by and you're still miserable, and there's nothing really worth it to stay (and no, a job or someone who doesn't treat you right is not worth it), then it's ok to call it quits. I was too afraid of what other's would say if I quit. Now I see I shouldn't have been. But in my particular case, I now have 2 beautiful children that make my life bright and I have finally grown roots where I am. So, God had a plan for me. But don't forget we all have free will, and you can choose to be happy home and not miserable far away.
Just Follow these Tips for Overcoming Homesickness, and Remember, You're the architect of your life
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In conclusion, just remember you are going through a process. Yes, a grieving process. Change, no matter how good, is tough. So take the necessary steps to feel better and find your ground, so one day you can wake up and like your current life more than your past life. I never though that day would come. Yet here I am, and it is true. Is my life perfect? No. Do I miss things and people still? Yes, especially the wonderful weather and food from where I come from. But I can always go back to visit and enjoy it for a while, and come back to my new life and routine, where I feel safe again.