How to thrive after this major life change, when you have a baby without your family nearby to help
Becoming a mum is hard enough in itself and a major life change for all women (although extremely rewarding). But becoming a mum when you live abroad, or just too far away from your family and friends, is a whole different story. When my first child was born, I was lucky enough to have my mother, my father, and my grandmother come over for a month to my home in the US to help me out. And most of all, I was lucky to have the kind of mum, dad and grandma that take over the house! They cooked, they cleaned, they took care of me, they helped with my baby... they did everything! But even then, I knew there was a tough path ahead, because they would only be there to do this for a few weeks...
When I moved abroad, my life changed. Then when I was pregnant, I knew my life was about to change too, but I had NO IDEA how much. The first sign of my life changing drastically, was through something my sister in law said. I remember now and it is quite funny. I was pregnant and she gifted us some new baby bouncers (by the way, I'm so lucky to know about them through her because many mums have no idea this awesome product exists! More about this later). After she brought them, she told me: "Hey, these will come in handy when you have to shower." My first thought when I heard this was "WHAT?!". I was shocked to hear that taking a shower after having a baby was going to be an issue. But I pushed that fear to the back of my mind for the rest of the pregnancy. Then my son was born, and I was 37 years old. As a late comer to mother hood, after living a very free life of partying, traveling and doing whatever I wanted as a freelance designer, I discovered having a child was definitely a HUGE change.
CHECK OUT MY VIDEO ON THIS TOPIC!
My parents and my grandma from my dad's side, took care of us (thank goodness), but I still sat there, in my bedroom, with my baby in my arms, ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT LONG. After seven days of this, I cried. Yes ladies, postpartum depression is REAL. I don't think it was any chemical issue (although hormones definitely play a part in it), but mostly it's because how much your life changes. And don't get me wrong... it changes for the better, at least it did for me because becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but change is ALWAYS hard. Especially when you're responsible of keeping a beautiful baby alive. And once my parents and grandma had to go back home to Mexico, the true challenge started. I no longer had someone to take care of the house. I could barely even take a shower when my husband was working (yes, my sister in law was right. Those baby bouncers were life savers. Best gift you could give a mum, by the way).
I started discovering how fortunate those women who have their family near, especially their mums and close friends, truly are. Believe me, the list of people you can trust your newborn child to, is incredibly small. And as a first time mother, all you can think about, is your baby's safety and care. You're tired, barely sleep, really don't know what you're doing because you are learning to be a mum, and you're worried sick. And the added challenge as a mum abroad, is the lack of support to overcome this situation. It's even worse when nobody around you can understand what you're going through, except for other mums in your situation. And there are so few usually in a community. Your mother in law, no matter how nice she is, will never be nor help like your own mum either (unless you're REALLY lucky). Not even your new local friends, compared to your friends from your hometown, who you've known for years, will provide the comfort and validation you need. So, what does one do to overcome this difficult situation?
In my case, I slowly discovered to focus on the following to survive motherhood abroad:
Step #1 - Self care & cherish moments
Don't forget about yourself. Yes, you're baby is the most important thing in your mind right now, but remember, like they say on airplanes, you have to put your mask on first, to take care of another (your baby). What I did, is enjoy every single moment through positive thinking. When I showered, with my baby on the bouncer right outside the shower curtains, I played relaxing music and meditated with the water pouring over me. Even though I had to take very quick showers, I tried not to stress or get tense about it. Just enjoy that tiny moment. When I came out, I would just see my baby's smile and that alone filled my day with joy. And don't feel bad if you must cry some days. You will feel better.
Step #2 - Use technology
The baby vibrating bouncers, the baby monitors, whatever you can get a hold of to help, and give you some rest, me-time and peace of time, is a must. I never considered myself a gadget mum, but these little technological advantages definitely helped me a lot. Plus there are so many more little gadgets available nowadays, that I wish I had back then. And no, they don't replace motherhood nor your arms. I am a firm believer of attached parenting, yet I will never shame a mum who uses a bouncer to take a break!
Step #3 - Stay in touch
STAY IN TOUCH. Ok so your mum has left after helping out with your newborn, or she just couldn't come (OMG my deepest respect and admiration to you if this is your case). Well, don't forget to Skype or Facetime, and try to do it every day if possible. When I was a child and we lived in England, I don't know how my mum withstood being away from her family for years, before videocalling existed and phone calls were so expensive. I remember those long letters she would get once every month or every two months, from my other grandma (RIP) her mum. I don't think I could survive that... yet my mum did. So our fortunate generation with technology, definitely should benefit from frequent facetime chats! It will lift your spirits, and diminish the pain of missing their nearness.
Step #4 - Exercise
Yes, sounds cliché, AND impossible, especially with a newborn. So don't rush it. Especially if you've had a C-Section. When my daughter was born through an emergency C-Section, it took me forever to recover. So I took it easy. I started going to the gym track with her on a stroller to get rid of the cabin fever. Best idea ever. The chemistry in your body changes when you exercise, you get out of the house, you get fit, and your feel so much better! Soon enough, I was running with the stroller. Some mums take advantage of the gym's child care services. I did after my children turned 1, but for those like me who have a hard time letting go of your kiddo, you can still walk to get a workout with your child in a stroller. If you're worried about mosquitoes, environment exposure, and things like that if you're outdoors, you can use special nets and covers for the stroller or car seat.
Step #5 - Eat Healthy
Believe it or not, loading up on carbs and eating junk food makes you feel like crap. You've heard it before, but it is absolutely true. And if you're breastfeeding, it's also not very good for your baby! When I had my second child, my daughter, I just couldn't shake of the weight and I had gained about 50lbs (25kg) that didn't come off at all after she was born. I returned to what I thought was my healthy diet that helped me lose the baby weight gain when my son was born, but this time it wasn't working. I gave up for a bit and just overloaded on chocolates, and this made me feel awful. So, in desperation, I reached out to my OBGYN, who recommended a baby safe diet/lifestyle change. My energy levels soared, and I was back in shape faster than I every imagined, and have since kept off the weight.
You will triumph and Survive Motherhood Abroad
Yes, you're a good mum. Even if you break down and cry while going to the toilet, read facebook while breastfeeding, and feel like nothing you do is perfect. It is okay. You will be okay. And don't be afraid to reach out to others, even a therapist, if you need help. I did. And I turned out to be a pretty awesome mother, in spite of everything I suffered as a mum abroad, far away from those I love. You are stronger than you think.